You write a bad review and I’ll shoot! Don’t make me do it…

I was gonna write a single line review for this film that went like this…

“G.I. Joe: Rise Of The Cobra”…do NOT go see this film for ANY reason!

But then I got thinking about it…and I’ve decided that I won’t do that (even though I just did) because that would be hypocritical of me. Many movies I go to see on the big screen because I want to see things blow up or see giant robots morph into Escalades or see a man with claws tear a bad guy a new one. So when I saw the trailer for this film, I thought it looked bad…but I thought if I could go in with very low expectations, it might not be such a terrible time. But it was.

Look…I know Hollywood is gonna make crap like this from time to time. It’s a guaranteed weekend win in the summer for a movie like this. But can I tell you something? There hasn’t been a film out in a very long time that is as cliched and as overblown as this piece of summer mind candy. This is as bad as summer blockbusters get. And not in a good way.

The heroes are bad. The villains are bad. The action is bad. It’s every bad scene from every summer blockbuster that you can imagine. Hell…this movie is so screwed up that it even has the bad guy wearing white and the good guy wearing black! From “Top Gun” to “Transformers”, this sorry piece of filmmaking is, quite easily, the worst movie I have seen since…well…since “The Happening” last year, I guess. But if I were to compare it to a summer blockbuster, I would have to go with “Armegeddon”. It’s truthfully that awful.

If you want a plot, it goes like this…a criminal mastermind wants to rule the world by detonating these robot bombs that can apparently eat anything. If you’ve seen the movie trailer, you’ve already seen the Eiffel Tower fall. So then it’s up to the super-secret military known as “G.I. Joe” to come to the rescue and stop this guy from bombing capital cities all over the world. In the middle of all this is 2 really bad love stories, a brotherly rivalry, a brother/sister storyline, guys with masks who have no fear, lots of CGI of people running fast & dodging bullets, an underwater fight that looks like it was stolen from “Waterworld” and lots of military pomp & circumstance. It’s all over the top and done very poorly and none of it goes without some cliched ending. It’s movie-making at its worst, and it will make a ton of money this weekend and be in your local Blockbuster by November.

Oh well. People will go see it and rent it and order it off Netflix and it will make a mint. But for my cash, this could have been a pretty cool movie if done right. But it wasn’t. So that’s all I got.

Oh…and one more thing…what in the world is Dennis Quaid doing in this movie??? Seriously? Is he hurting for work? Because this is a major blemish on an otherwise decent career. Just sayin’…

Overall Rating: F